Today would have been my mother's birthday.

I keep trying to struggle to the surface of this depression, but sometimes it's so hard. There's not a day in the week I don't want to call her and ask for advice. I know she'd be so happy over the new house, but I'd much prefer that she were here, now (but not in so much pain that she was). Despite James, despite Wil and Pidgie, despite our friends and our family, I'm lonesome. We were so close; I always told her everything (or almost everything; there's a couple of things that would have upset her too much). It's like being caught in the undertow and not able to get out.

There have been all sorts of speeches about Coretta Scott King in the past week saying how she is finally reunited with the husband she loved. And I know it's the same: my mom and dad are now reunited. But I still hurt. I still think about the last time she spoke coherently, to the hospice nurse. I was in the bathroom and could hear them talking: the nurse said I was doing a good job taking care of her and Mom agreed and then said she thought I was doing too much. How like her--since I thought I wasn't doing enough! No matter how much I tried, she was still in pain and slipping away. I felt so useless sometimes...

Love you, Mama. I miss you.

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. . . . . noted and logged by Linda at 8:30:00 AM

Comments:

Linda...

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Emma

# posted by  Emma : 8:35:00 PM

 

Happy Birthday to your mom.. I bet she and your dad are having a swell time today. I know it is hard right now but I know you will make it through with all those good thoughts and happy memories to fall back on.

# posted by  Anonymous : 10:31:00 PM

 

Lots of hugs, Linda. The first year is always the most difficult. I couldn't even mention Uncle's name without getting emotional. Since you and your Mom were so close, you have to know that she will never leave you.... and you can still talk with her, and in your heart, she will respond.

# posted by  Anonymous : 8:58:00 AM

 

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