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» Friday, June 17, 2005
I've turned into a maniac. Or even worse than usual. I barely slept last night, spent a frazzled morning trying to start packing things and also washing clothes, on the phone half the time juggling all the connections of hospice. This afternoon Mom said she definitely wanted to go to the bank to make sure everything was in order. I also had to fax a request for advanced leave to work and go to Brooks Drugs to pick up her Percoset, and the fax had to be in before close of business, so I pretty nearly chivvied her out of the house in haste to get to Richard and Debbie's shop to send the fax, then go to the bank, then go to Brooks... She was so exhausted when I got her home that she took her pills and I bathed her eye and then let her rest on the sofa. I tried to sleep but relatives who found out she was leaving tomorrow kept phoning to say hello and my godmother came over, looking worried and depressed, and finally I burst out crying while I was folding clothes, which scared Mom. I can't believe I was that selfish. I should have known people would want to wish her well and I rushed things. I just had to make a decision—and the hospice said it had to be soon if we were going to do it at all—and I just wanted to quit hurting and let it be over with. I feel miserable and sick now and can't imagine how I'm going to get through dinner, let alone this evening and tomorrow. ----------------------------------------------------------------
. . . . . noted and logged by Linda at 4:53:00 PM 
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Linda.
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Stop it. You're not being selfish. You've called folks, they're saying goodbye. The clock has been ticking, you have flat-ass run out of time, and if you want to get her down here it's got to be NOW. I've been trying to get my folks here to Atlanta for the last two damn years. I've watched them slide downhill to a point where it's painful to watch them. They won't make the hard decisions. I've urged them to bail, to just pack clothes and come - but they won't. You are doing the right thing, you're doing what you have to so you can both take care of yourself AND take care of her. If you DO NOT take care of yourself, if you don't get into an environment where you're doing better, how much longer do you expect to be able to take care of her? You breaking down won't do her a bit of good. So flip the circuit breaker on the Guilt Machine and get that thing off-line - it's not doing you one bit of good and it's hampering your thinking and effectiveness, not to mention sucking so much mental energy that you're getting brownouts across the board. You've got a good handle on what has to be done. I see nothing in what you've posted that makes me think otherwise. You're in a stressful situation, and you're coping pretty well, all things considered. Forgive me for being so blunt - but you ARE doing the right things and second-guessing and guilt-tripping yourself is neither helpful or productive. Don't know if you'll see this before you get down here - but if there's anything I can do to help, you've but to ask. Jerry |
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