We're having a bit of a quiet time now. I did manage to get Mom to eat more than Boost: she had an apricot cut up with a little sugar on it to cut the tartness and a small bowl of Rice Krispies. She's sitting with the heating pad now but does want to go out a little. (I said "ice cream" and she looked definitely interested.) But as I sit here watching her dozing I wonder if I have any damn right to be doing this at all. Her body was definitely starting to shut down last week and between Debbie, the nurse and I, we dragged her back.

It's very obvious that the cancer is spreading (I found two moles on her torso that I know have never been there before) and the eye is always hurting her; the only time it doesn't hurt is when she's asleep. She has Percoset for the pain and won't take it, even a half, because she's afraid of getting "used" to it (like it matters right now) and because it makes her "feel funny." (And I can't blame her about that. Last year after surgery when they took me off the IV painkiller they gave me a Percoset. In ten minutes I was so spacy it scared the daylights out of me. I told the nurse I wanted something else next time and she said it wouldn't kill the pain as well. I told her "I don't care, I'd rather hurt than feel that weird again." I think people who take this stuff to get high are absolutely out of their minds.)

So I keep wondering, as I watch her sleep, did we have any right to do this? Did we do it for her, or did we do it for us? There are times when she is okay, like last night she even felt well enough to read a little of the Enquirer and we mostly watched a CSI, and in the afternoon, while she lost track of the plot a bit—actually, I can't blame her because I found it hard to follow, too, and I'm used to British accents—we did enjoy the "Inspector Lynley" episode we found on Mystery.

But I do keep wondering, because the only one who has the right to play God is Him Himself...

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. . . . . noted and logged by Linda at 12:49:00 PM

Comments:

Linda -

I fully agree with the above. Enjoy the time you have with her.

Jerry

# posted by  Jerry : 11:28:00 PM

 

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