Low-Maintenance Mate

James and someone (from work?) had a conversation last week in which they talked about wives and spending habits. Apparently the friend's wife likes clothing and shoes. I believe James said she had something like 80 pairs of shoes. Anyway, James allowed that as wives go I was pretty low-maintenance. (Oh, well, there is the book fetish...)

The shoe fetish and the clothes fetish passed me by a long time ago. Even when I was 117 pounds I was impossible to fit. I had small shoulders and large breasts, a small waist, big hips, and short legs. Nothing I buy ever fits correctly: either my shoulders bulge and lop or the blouse bulges "up front," pants' legs and sleeves are always too long. Now I'm dumpy, too--buying clothing isn't a pleasure, it's always been a martyrdom.

Shoes are worse. At least when I was a teenager my mom sewed my clothes and I had a proper fit for a while. I have a short, wide foot. I wore a 5 1/2 women's shoe--if I could find one wide enough--until I was in my twenties. I still really take a 6. But I have to wear a 6 1/2 because evidently the shoemakers are under the impression that someone with such a little foot also has a narrow foot. Bad generalization, guys.

For sneakers I usually wear what was once termed a "boy's" shoe (it's "adolescent" or some PC twaddle now). Even if the women's size 6 says it's wide, it ain't: the boy's shoe is usually at least a half an inch wider. And the kicker? The design is the same, a plain white Reebok leather sneaker. The "adolescent" shoe and the "woman's shoe" look exactly alike.

The woman's shoe is $20 more!

Anyway, what does one do with 80 pairs of shoes anyway? I don't count the two pairs of furry slippers, the two sets of animal slippers, or the flip flop foam slippers as shoes, so I have, count 'em, six pairs of shoes: the clean white Reeboks I wear to work, the grimy ones I wear on weekend, two pairs of boots that I haven't used for years (and the grey ones hurt), my high heels, and what are ostensibly supposed to be my work shoes, a lovely pair of "wide" charcoal grey Hush Puppies loafers that are still too narrow. I would like a pair of what the British call "Wellies" or equivalent to work in the yard so the #$!$@!! fire ants can't get me and they would wash off with the hose, but I haven't found them anywhere yet. But, counting those, what on earth would I do with more than seven pairs of shoes?

I think they compared notes about jewelry, too. Since my parents both worked in jewelry shops (factories) for a living, and I worked in one for two summers and 3 1/2 years, I have this certain "allergy" to jewelry anyway. But I get convulsed at those commercials on the radio and on television where they tell you the only one true way to make that special woman in your life know you care about her is to bring her home a little velvet box from Banks and Shane or the Diamond Company or whatever with a $2000 "tennis bracelet" or diamond pendant in it.

Sweetie, if you buy me anything that costs $2000, it better be in a big brown cardboard box that says "Dell" on the side!  :-)

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. . . . . noted and logged by Linda at 10:36:00 AM

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